As announced earlier, we’ve moved from daily Corporate BS to weekly Corporate BS.  When you think about it, Corporate BS in large doses makes more sense anyway.

So, for you Corporate BSers, he it is for May 11-17

May 11–office:  A room in which an employee conducts official business and that is the object of fierce and petty politics (e.g., who gets one, who gets one with a window, who gets one in a corner, who has to share one, etc.); provides employees with some degree of insulation from coworkers and with the ability to shut the door to do work on a resume, have a job interview over the phone, or have a nervous breakdown.

May 12–faux deadline:  A due date for a project or the delivery of information that is padded with extra time, due to the fact that the person setting it knows the party working to meet it will screw up and miss the stated “deadline” or not respond by it; essential to meeting one’s own real deadlines.

May 13–family:  An overused metaphor that describes a close-knit group; a term widely abused in the nonprofit sector, e.g., “like a family,” “family atmosphere,” “part of the family,” etc; another way of saying “nobody makes any money here” (note: invocation of family bond ceases when it’s time for layoffs).

May 14–happy face video:  A videotape made during a company gathering, such as at a retreat or an off-site, that is shown to employees at the event’s conclusion and that features participants smiling and having a great time when the truth is everyone felt held hostage and there were some very tense moments during “problem-solving” sessions when inevitable personality conflicts occurred.

May 15–farm out:  To use money in the budget to hire someone to do something nobody else in the company can be induced, or forced, to do.

May 16–hangover at work:  The painful physical punishment for alcoholic excess on a “school night”; if you are experiencing this, you have obviously used up all of your sick days, as you would have just called and said you had the flu if you hadn’t, or else you thought making it through the workday wouldn’t be that hard, which you have quickly realized is not true; those with an office will close their door and attempt to take a nap, while employees who work in cubes will look for an out-of-the-way conference room to try to do the same, or seek the sympathy of an office-inhabiting friend, who is, preferably, located on another floor.

May 17–feedback:  Information regarding performance that supposedly can be positive, but in reality is always negative; may be introduced as neutral information or, even better, as a favor to the interlocutor, e.g., “Let me give you some valuable feedback on this.”