Here’s the Corporate BS for July 6-12:

July 6–massage: n.  A therapeutic kneading of muscles administered to ease tension and relieve stress, the need for which is directly proportional to the rate of pay increases received, causing one’s monthly disposable net income to remain constant over many years despite advancement and promotions; a common bribe offered to employees in an attempt to lure them to a function or forum (e.g., a “Health and Wellness” or “Work/Life” event) where information is dispensed, so as to generate impressive attendance numbers; even though the massages last only 10 minutes and are delivered in those chairs that make people look really stupid, many employees will show up just to get their backs kneaded in the middle of the workday, then leave the event without the foggiest idea of what was being promoted.

July 7–massage: v.  A kind of sensual way of saying “Make it say what we want it to say,” especially in regard to irrefutable factual data like research, sales, or performance statistics; a word used by bosses when they want you to change something you worked on but can’t verbalize in what way, e.g., “I’m thinking it would be better if you could massage this a bit to be more customercentric.”

July 8–may I ask who’s calling?:  An inquiry made by a secretary or administrative assistant that is code for “He’s here, but are you important enough for him to talk to you?  Let me find out.”

July 9–meeting:  A gathering called to discuss whatever “pressing” business is at hand, characterized by wild inefficiency; an excellent forum in which to observe subtle management intimidation techniques for humiliating various staff members and in which to hear other staffers say, to enthusiastic response, what you expressed only minutes earlier, as if they have never heard the point made before.

July 10–fire warden:  A person on the floor who acts in an official and leadership position in the event of a fire; too bad it’s Phyllis from legal, who not only seems to be volunteering for the position based on misguided, naked careerism, but whom you wouldn’t trust to put out a match in a monsoon.

July 11–first name basis:  A description of a relationship involving people of disparate status that is allegedly familiar enough to permit the use of first names; usually masks the fact that the more elevated member of the pair wouldn’t know who the hell the other person was if they ever met again.

July 12–focus group:  A group of people who are paid 50 bucks and a free lunch in the name of research to measure the quality of “likability” of a person or product, etc.; any data gleaned from focus groups that does not support the feedback preferred by the people who are paying for the research will be discarded, guaranteeing support for whatever is being tested.